To Get What You Want, You Must Know What You Want

Special guest blog by Melanie Bowen…

Certain events in life focus one’s attention more powerfully than others, like discovering one has an illness to deal with that carries a difficult prognosis, such as mesothelioma, breast cancer or even autoimmune disorders. While it’s a completely natural reaction to want to think about the situation, having one’s attention focused entirely on what’s wrong can make matters worse, instead of better. Focusing on what’s good, however, can reduce stress and keep your spirit from sinking.

New ways of looking at how the brain functions have shown that people in any stressful situation can make their mood better while putting their goals in reach at the same time. According to Dr. David J. Hellerstein, an expert in brain function, the human brain is a living organ constantly reshaping and rewiring itself, and one of the chief factors in those changes is the way we think.

Guided thinking, however, is more difficult than it seems, and so many people use the structured approach of writing down their thoughts, goals and desires. This makes your thoughts concrete, captures them so they can be explored, revisited and even guided to create a positive mental outlook that is so important to setting and achieving goals like reducing stress and dealing with pain.

It is important to begin thinking about projects and what better way than transitioning them from thoughts to writing them down on paper or onto a blog while defining what you want and building a plan to make it happen at the same time. It is important to define a purpose and guiding principles so that you know what you want to do, why you want to do it and what you’re willing to do to achieve the goals you set.  This is easy as listing your goals then commenting on your thoughts, feelings and desires for that goal. Writing helps to further ensure that goals don’t merely shift unexpectedly as you work toward making them real. Keep at it—write as often as you can.

Now, it’s time to get creative and brainstorm all the good stuff and lingering goals—leave out nothing no matter how strange or wild. And be sure to also write about your accomplishments! Inspire yourself through seeing what you’ve already done and how far you’ve come. At this stage anything goes, but always remember organization. You’ll have explored all the possible pathways to reaching your goals; finally, when you know where you are, where you’d like to be and how you think you might get there, you can identify important next actions. The simple, immediate steps you can take right now to make your goals into reality.  Starting small leads you to larger accomplishments in the future. By finishing the book you started or starting that craft you always dreamed of will lead you into thinking about where you want to travel and what foods do you want to try. Anything and everything is important—relieve your stress and be proactive at the same time.

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Note from Steph: Even small goals make a difference. When Andrei was in the hospital, he always aimed to walk the St. Jo’s 10th floor “loop” at least 20 times a day. This definitely helped keep him sane and his body working.

The Anti-Bucket List

Today it’s one month since Andrei’s passing, but to me it feels like minutes. While I miss so many things about him and the things we did together, there are a few things he did that surprised me like no other. One of them was what I call The Anti-Bucket List.

Some months ago, when Andrei was sitting in my room while I plugged away at my thesis novel, I asked him if there was anything he really wished he could do in life that he hadn’t yet done. He thought a minute and said, “Well, I’ve already done so much—I made it to America and built a life from scratch. I’ve been nearly around the world, and I have the love of a good woman. There’s not much more I could want.”

Nevertheless, he did take up a notebook and pen and begin writing anyway. I wrote too, but I didn’t think much of my “bucket list” question. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago that I really looked at the list he’d pulled out of the notebook and thumb tacked to the bulletin board above my desk. When I did, I was amazed. Instead of some super-achiever bucket list of hopes and dreams, Andrei had simply written a list of the things he loved to do. Everyday things.

While I won’t say what was at the top of the list (that’s a little too personal), I will mention a few items that made his day.

+Sleeping in

+Cooking together, sharing meals, going out to eat

+Playing guitar and singing

+Walks

+Hot showers

+Working in the garden

+Weekend drives

+Visiting with friends

+Telling Steph how much I love her

The point here is not really to share Andrei’s list, but to share his idea. When was the last time you sat down and wrote out a list of the things you really love to do? Maybe if we all did this once or twice in a lifetime we’d all be much happier people. So much of our culture is about striving for things we don’t have. But what about the things we do have?

Reminding us to treasure them may be Andrei’s greatest gift.

If you’re feeling inspired, get out a pen and paper and start listing the things you really love. Things that make you happy, that make you feel fulfilled. You might be surprised at what you find. Loving Andrei will always be high on mine.

One Amazing Man

While Andrei’s obituary will run in the Sunday Tacoma News Tribune, I thought I would post it here for all those interested who may not get that paper. There’s a strange finality to writing and posting an obit for someone you love—maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long….

Andrei Bazdyrev (9/1962 - 8/2011)

Andrei Ivanovich Bazdyrev

Andrei Bazdyrev, 48, was a courageous, kind, and intelligent man. Born in Novosibirsk, Russia, he spent his last year battling Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. He came to America when he was 28, after having achieved university degrees in English and German language instruction and translation. He later earned an MS in computer systems from City University and became a data architect. He worked for the State of Washington for 19 years, first at DSHS and most recently for the Department of Early Learning.

Andrei’s love of music spanned his whole life. From a teenage rock band to classical guitar studies to recording Mark Knopfler covers, Andrei loved it all. He loved his daughter Juliana even more. She is, in fact, his greatest joy.

Deeply missed by his friends and relatives across the globe, Andrei was especially thankful for the kindness and support of the 10^th floor staff at “Hotel St. Jo’s,” his oncologist Frank Senecal, and his co-workers at DEL.

Andrei is survived by his daughter Juliana from his marriage to Michele Bazdyrev, his family in Russia (brother and sister-in-law Sergei and Tatyana Bazdyrev, nephew Illya, niece Svetlana), and his fiancé Stephanie Lile.

A memorial celebration will be held at 2pm on Sunday, September 4, in the Lodge at Pt. Defiance Park in Tacoma.

Donations may be made in Andrei’s honor to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (http://www.lls.org) in hopes that more research on the effective treatment of adult ALL may help others.

Sad Hearts for a Gooood Man

Andrei and Steph at Mt Rainier, September 2010.

It is with a sad, heavy heart that I write about Andrei’s passing. He had a rough go on Monday, 8/8/11, and his body just gave out, strong and true as it was. He was determined to the end though, and I treasure every look we shared, every minute I had with him.

Just a couple of days before his passing, I told him that I had a hair appointment and what would he do if I came home a brunette. He simply smiled and said, “It doesn’t matter what color your hair is, it’s what’s in your soul that counts.” Of course I kissed him and wrapped him in the biggest hug ever for that.

There are a million memories of Andrei that I carry with me, but it doesn’t help cure the ache I have to hold his hand. Holding hands was, in fact, the very last thing we shared.

I pray that his spirit soars now, free of fear (that he never showed) and pain. If you’d like him to pay a visit, borrow the Russian tradition and place a shot of vodka and a piece of bread on your mantle and he’ll know he’s welcome. Read a bit of Poe or play some Frank Zappa and he’ll drop in for sure. As for me, I pray he’ll come home soon, to the place he loved most.

Soar high, dear Andrei, and know you are loved far and wide. You will always be my one big love.

Steph

 

Let’s Talk of ER Rooms, MRIs and Little Bags

Although I wish I didn’t have to….

Steph here, stepping in for Andrei as he’s fighting a bit of a battle just now. See, today we discovered via an emergency MRI that he’s had a stroke.

But let’s go back to last Wednesday, post the fantastic CHAIR-ity Auction Event on Sunday, to the tanking of his white blood cells and the rising of his temp. At about 4pm his temp was 99.9 by our crappy no-good-low-battery frustrating-as-all-get-out thermometers. By 8:30-9pm when Andrei moved from the couch to the bed, it was 102. At 100.5 he’s supposed to go to the hospital, so we packed it in and all three of us, Andrei, Juliana, and I, called the doc’s PA (he was on vacation) and headed to the ER. Being neutrapenic, they gave him his own room, but consequently made him wait around for 6.5 hours until he got a bed up in D-quad on the 10th floor. I’d had to take Juliana home since she had camp in the morning and it was already 12:30am. I felt terrible leaving him.

Fast forward through the next two days of Andrei feeling crappy—nauseous and wicked headache and general discomboobilation—to today when I called this morning and he couldn’t even carry on a conversation on the phone. He said he’d call me back then he didn’t. When I called him back, he forgot he was talking to me and dropped the phone. I knew something was up, so I woke up the kiddo (she was back with us for the weekend) and we dashed over here to the hospital.

When we arrived, Andrei was a bit slow, slurry, and disoriented, but just seemed tired, urpy, and a bit spaced out. It was after we left to go do a few errands that things got weird. J and I were at the Safeway sandwich counter when I got a call that they were taking Andrei down for an emergency MRI. He’d had a little accident and they were concerned.

We grabbed the sandwiches and took off, first to drop off J at her mom’s house, second to get me back to the hospital ASAP. When I arrived, my peeps had just arrived as well—the brotherman, sister-in-law Lynette, and nephew Krister—and we raced up to see where the A-man was. He’d just left for the MRI, so we went back downstairs to diagnostic imaging where I found Andrei already in the MRI. Earl, the technician, was very cool and showed me the inside of Andrei’s head. Things looked pretty normal, but then I’m not exactly trained in the art of reading MRIs. It wasn’t until later that a doc stopped in to tell us that the MRI had revealed a stroke.

We don’t know anything more at this point. Only that a stroke was apparent on the MRI, it was “new,” and they have no idea what caused it. Dr. Vitality Zak (wow what an awesome name) is on the case, so hopefully we will know more soon. In the meantime, Andrei is in and out of sleep, and I’m here. Just here. Not leaving. No way.

The CHAIR-ity Event – Wowza!

Winnie the Pooh rocked the house.

Wow, what a night. What great energy and fantastic fun. Thanks to each and every person who came to have dinner, who bid on auction items, made general donations, “got swabbed” (as in registered as a bone marrow donor), and who simply helped out with all the schlepping, organizing, and spreading the love. We love you right back, people. Big time.

We don’t have all the evening totals yet, but we do know that we raised over $7,000, and that coupled with the earlier Treasures Sale is enough to keep a roof over our heads during transplant time and the medical bills paid. This is truly a case of “the  village” working together. We wish a bounty of blessings to all of our donors, chair artists, Joeseppi’s staff, and all-around supporters. Thank you so much for making this event possible.

We can all make a difference, no matter how small or large.

Andrei’s Update – 7/30/2011

Hey can’t help to brag, but I am busting out of here for sure today, ladies and gents! Boo-yah! My white counts continue to improve (um, as in continuing their spiral descent, which is good); and although the blasts are still all over the map, the doctor thinks the machine results may not be always very accurate, so they only real way to tell would be at the next biopsy. Lymph nodes appear to be decreasing. The new Per-L-Lasparaginaise has got to working, and has very minimum side effects. The hair has started to come down in patches. So something must working with this chemo after all, or appears to be working.  The rest of the round (about 20 more days) should be mostly on the outpatient basis unless I come down with a fever. 17 days in the hole was just about enough. I am so ready to go home today. Get me a warm shower, get me a preemptive cut for the hair that is starting to fall off, get me a good night sleep and maybe I can even sneak in for a good massage at the Two Hand Studio.

I am looking forward to my daughter’s Broadway Conservatory’s show tonight, if I can make it, and the Lounging for Leukemia Event on Sunday. Life is good. Hey, and if I am in the mood I may even try to enjoy a little bit of sunshine while it is still there!

Catch you all later!

Andrei

The CHAIR-ity Auction – What’s on the Block

Artists and clever sorts have been working ’round the clock to create a fascinating line-up of art chairs, rockers, and other unexpected “loungeables.” Here is a little taste treat of things to come…

The NW Reader’s Lounge

Curl up with a good book and a cuppa Joe on this deep mocha lounger. Northwest authors such as Anjali Banerjee, Deb Lund, and Michelle Torrey will keep you enthralled for weeks with stories of life, love, and big adventure.

The Gnome Chair

A wee little chair for the gnome in all of us.  Truly, this is a tiny little chair for a tiny little person, specially painted by Keegan Hall.

The Liberty Chair

Red, white, and blue. Stars, stripes, and a touch of Colbert. The creation of local artist Curtiss Hall, this chair is sure to inspire the patriot in you.

Retrofantastic Crystal Chandelier

Perfect for the star in you, this vintage chandelier would make a statement in any entryway, dining room, or special getaway where you need the light of inspiration.

The Magical Mosaic Chair

Polymer clay artist Christy Dickerson created 10 different designs of clay tiles for this amazing creation. Meant to serve as a pedestal or shelf, the chair is a masterpiece of mosaic work in black wood and colored metallic tiles.

The NW Beer Barstool

The Pacific Northwest is home to some of the finest craft brews in the world, and no event here would be complete without an homage to the micro-brews it is so famous for. This bar stool will be there for you and all of your beer needs; providing you a comfortable place to rest your back while you exercise your drinking arm. It comes with a beer devotional, to guide you through 365 days with daily beer suggestions and inspirational drinking quotes. With this handy guide you will be sure to never go a day without imbibing! Also accompanying this bar stool is a fifty dollar gift certificate to The Parkway Tavern, a Tacoma institution with 32 taps of craft beer that will keep your liver working and your beer palate quenched. So beer lovers out there, bottoms up, this bar stool is for you. Ask yourself, what would Andrei do?

Rock-a-Bye Rooster and Duck

You’ve heard of rocking horses, but what about a tandem rocking rooster and duck? Handmade by an artisan woodworker some three decades ago, this is a one-of-a-kind piece generously donated from the collection of RL McFarland.

The Traveler’s Trunk

This beautiful flat-top wooden steamer trunk was once used by a Norwegian immigrant in his travels across the states. Great for an end-table, coffee-table, magic tricks, or even storing all your secrets.

Winnie the Pooh Chair

A.A. Milne lovers will delight in this chair painted with Winnie-the-Pooh and all his friends. This white and purple rocking chair will no doubt inspire you to rock a little one to sleep, imagine a walk in the big wood, or lick honey from a pot.

The Chair of Many Stories

A Whidbey Writer’s Workshop special project, The Chair of Many Stories will take you on a journey through the mind. Purchased years ago in an antique shop in Vermont, the simple wooden chair that inspired the stories has no doubt had many roles. Now writers from the Whidbey MFA program have joined together to imagine its past in a series of short stories bound into an “addable” book. Have a seat, turn the page, and let the stories begin.

The Bodacious Brass Bed

Lounge a little or a lot in this circa 1930s brass bed. Full sized and super sturdy, this vintage bed frame was once used by Garry Schalliol’s dad back in his Indiana days (and nights).

The Washington Explorer’s Chair

Buckle up and take this chair on a road trip (for two) through WA.  Starting with two passes to the Washington State History Museum and a quick stop at the BKB Art-o-matic, you’ll then venture out for a walk, over the mountains for a two-night stay at the Big Horn Bunkhouse in beautiful downtown Loomis, and on to the river of your choice for a day of drift-boat fishing with personal guide Dylan Hall. And don’t worry, if you get lost, this chair comes with it’s own commemorative Vancouver blanket and Lewis & Clark Highway map (yes, they wish it had been so easy).

Andrei’s Update – 7/25/2011

Well, folks, believe it or not, this is now day 12 of my ‘enforced recreation’ retreat here at good old Hotel St J. It seems almost surreal at times and it should defy all common sense as why I have not gone crazy yet. It’s been years and years since I had to stay in the hospital that long. It’s a good thing that I can sleep through some of these long boring hours. If it weren’t for the daily outside passes my doctors recently started issuing us to be able to go home for a few hours, I am sure I would have been a lot more miserable.

Alas, my situation is still far from being stable. The docs and the pharmacists are still busy trying to come up with a magic cocktail of chemo drugs that will finally work to bring me into remission. They have been reaching out to their colleagues at Fred Hutch and MD Andersen. The current protocol, even though it’s still a bit early to tell, doesn’t seem to be working its magic–at least it’s taking forever to do it. Unfortunately, unlike the old Louis Armstrong song goes, we don’t have all the time in the world. So my body is really having to fight most of this battle chasing those cancerous blasts, I think. The resulting low grade fever, chills, headaches, nausea and fatigue have become a daily reality. At least they have found some pain meds that working better than others on all these side effects–that, at least has given me some comfort.

I have been waiting since day one of this chemo cycle for the number of leukemic blasts to start dropping. So far they have been only going up and down, up and down. It wasn’t until yesterday morning’s labs that they finally gave me the good news that for the first time that peripheral blasts are down to 15 from 72 the day before. Today they jumped up again a bit but only up to 19. Let’s just hope these weren’t another fluke and that the trend will continue.

This week my doc will be trying to introduce a new protocol called MOAD which is similar to Hyper-CVAD, but has a few new agents and different combinations and dosages of chemo drugs. Apparently this regimen has shown some promise in treating for relapsed ALL patients, at least in the pediatric population.

I am keeping my fingers crossed and looking forward hoping to a better week than the last one! I am doing fine otherwise trying to find solace in work, movies, books, cancer research, and reaching out to friends and families.

Cheers,

Andrei

Andrei’s Update – 7-19-2011

I am sitting here looking at a beautiful view of downtown Tacoma outside my 10th floor of the window of my hospital room while also peeking at my work laptop, working and answering emails. It’s another cloudy day outside, and a perfect day for me as it’s a great day to  be in the hospital without having to worry about any summer enticements for a while. It’s been my 6th day in the hospital so far. The chemo has ended yesterday. Now it’s just down to the IV fluids and watching my blood counts go down to do after the first cycle of the intesive Part A chemo. My doctor decided to keep me here for a few more days to be sure everything goes smoothly; otherwise, I probably would have been out of here by yesterday. It’s all good. However, based on today’s conversation, it looks like I may actually be getting discharged either Wednesday or Thusday, afrer all..

Today my white counts are down a couple more points and my periperal blasts are showing a slight decrease as well since yesterday. Those appear to be good signs indicating that the situation hopefully is slowly stabilizing. Platelets and red blood cells continue their downward descent as they should until they reach their lowest point. My blood chemistry results seem to be okay as well and they make my doctor reasonably happy. They mean that that I am able to tolerate chemo resonably well. The doc seems to be cautiously optimistic that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to achieve at least a partial remission with this and then maybe the next B cycle. I am feeling pretty good otherwise. The pain in the chest while breathing is almost completely done. Hopefully the chemo is doing something right to reduce those re-grown mediastinal masses near my lungs. The lymph nodes in the neck and the armpits are not exactly decreasing yet but they appear to be softening and do not appear to be growing any further either. No fever, no chills, and just a bit of lingering nausea is starting to creep in. The appetite is moderately okay. I guess can live like that for a while.

My girls, Steph and Juliana, are taking incredibly good care of me. Good home made meals, excellent DVD movies at night I am also able to get some work done during the day which makes me very happy. Plans for today: a day pass to go for a walk outside, eat out and maybe stop by the house to take a nice hot shower, say Hi to the cat. Tomorrow – again, possibly being discharged. Also, I may have to do some blood and platelet transfusions tomorrow. The rest of the week: trying to be good and get those leukemic cell counts down while also attempting to avoid a neutrapenic fever.

I am still learing to enjoy life on a day to day basis and rejoice in little victories over the deadly disease. It’s a long journey to be learned. Learning to appreaciate all the good things in life that I got and my increadible support system, my family, friends and work colleagues. My spirits are good and my will power remains strong.

Peace.

~Andrei